Thursday, October 07, 2010

Porcelain Buddha- Guest Blogger Post on Living in Japan!

Ahh... the bright white vision of porcelain heaven.

Many memories shared here, reading magazines, playboys, or the maker of your toilet paper company. Whether it was a twelve pack of bud light, (keystone, if you were poor) or some Indian food, our friend was always there to comfort us in time of need.
Well, in Japan toilets are a whole new kind of comfort and I think I will call this one, the porcelain Buddha, because poop like this is how it should be.
A toilet seat packed with +10 armor, +15 butt cleaning and +20 to "insert word here" cleaners, ahh and that it does...

Before I go on with this fabulous invention, I have a few things to say about the old school Japanese toilet.  Actually, I will use only three words to describe this abomination. Crap on pants! Yup, the porcelain toilet from Lucifer himself.

Read more about the old & new Japanese toilets by clicking below!

You will find most of these toilets inside public bathroom stations or an old style Japanese apartment. You squat down and aim like you never aimed before and all this while trying not to touch the public restroom floor with your butt or fall in.
I have heard stories that these type of toilets, are in fact, healthy on the colon. Perhaps because of the way you bend down and release your fury- Hemorrhoids be gone! It is actually a good work out to take a poo- requiring core strength, perfecting a squat and immense balance.
I do not recommend the old style Japanese toilet for out of shape people or you will become one with the toilet.  If you come to Japan, you will definitely use this, whether you want to or not. Anyway no more rambling, it is very easy to crap on your pants and I am not going to go into details, or explain how I did. Take my word for it.
Despite all the medical benefits, the quick body by Jake work out, I still prefer a nice pair of clean pants.

(not my picture)

Firstly, let's envision a Japanese bathroom. Most toilets reside in a separate room from the shower. This is good for many reasons. If you have to use the toilet and your partner or friend is in the shower, you don`t have to pick the lock with a penny anymore.  On the flip side while your taking a shower, you don`t have many interruptions. "HI SORRY, ILL ONLY BE A MINUTE, I JUST HAD SOME BEAN PASTE VEGETARIAN CAULIFLOWER ASPARAGUS CASSEROLE, IT`S NOT AGREEING WITH MY STOMACH, LAFF."  Going to the bathroom never was this exciting.

The Japanese toilet seat has many uses. The best use in my personal opinion is the seat warmer. Best used in the winter. I`m not talking about that warmth on a toilet seat after your friend Paco spent hours reading a newspaper. I`m talking about a fresh sense of warmth welcoming you to stay and maybe take a nap. I now know why there are slippers! Since we`re deprived of heat at my office in the winter, the toilet is used frequently. "Oh man, don`t go in there." "But there`s heat!"

Another personal favorite of mine is the butt cleaner. This is great for a few reasons, buying less underwear,  and if you ever run out of toilet paper, this is your last resort, no need to rip up your magazine. There`s actually many buttons on the toilet, that I have yet to explore. Also guys, don`t press the button shaped like a woman sitting over a spray, you don`t want to sound like a Michael Jackson HEE HEE coming out of the bathroom.

Ok, ok, stories aside, The Japanese toilet is called a Woshuretto (Washlet). Many of the new types have seat heating, water jets, sensors (when you come close it opens) room heating, AC, make you a cup of coffee and give you a big hug after you leave . There is a wireless panel with all types of goodies & option, on it. When you choose general use or other types of cleaning, there is a small nozzle that comes out & squirts water to perfection. Great accuracy I must add. If you`re curious stand over the toilet, press a button that interest`s you most and watch the magic water smack you in the face.

(I need to clean my toilet)

I`m not familiar with anybody overseas having one of these. I`m sure this would be easy to install on one of your toilets. If you have an electrical output in your bathroom I couldn`t see why not. Although, there might be a reason why these toilets are separate from showers. I wouldn`t want to know how it feels to be electrocuted while taking a poop. Arguably the best way to go, but cleaning up that mess, ouch.

(Remote control action, OH YEAH)


Anonymous said...

This is by far one of the funniest posts ever. It really WARMS MY ASS^_^

TuxedoCartman said...

I had one on my master-bath john in Las Vegas. Never mind the swimming pool with waterfall, never mind the shower stall for two with 24" rainhead... that damn toilet seat was EVERYONE'S favorite part of my house! Nobody would use the guest bathrooms, no... they'd go out of their way to go upstairs to use my toilet! =P

But yeah... once you've had a heated toilet seat, you're spoiled for life. Cold toilet seats now are one of the many levels of hell for anyone who's had one of those.

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